Friday, December 31, 2010

All hail the relaxation faeries!

Well, considering that it's almost New Year's, I figure I should get a jump on writing a Christmas post :P The relaxation faeries hit me so hard with their faerie dust that I just haven't felt like doing a whole lot. Hell, I haven't even uploaded my pics to my hard drive. Trying to remember how to do that on an operating system you're not quite used to is always fun ><. I definitely can't say I had a lazy week though. I worked 2 days to help cover vacations for my co-workers. I also had a work around the house day. I got laundry done, took down the Christmas tree, put together my glider, and installed the car seat, which I now have to reinstall.

This Christmas was fun. We actually had two. On Christmas Eve, we spent time with my family here in Tucson. We ate, passed out gifts and acted like complete goofballs. Of course there was wine. We are Italian after all.

My mom looked at me and her salt and pepper shakers and told me not to mess with them. That just gave me ideas!

I love this picture of Kyle and I, even though I look so much bigger than I actually am.

The cousins were there, except for one who has ostracized himself from the family so much that none of us really consider him family anymore. It's sad to see someone so young be so selfish and blame everyone else for his problems.


Brian bought Rowan his first books. I believe in reading to your children, so this totally excited me!

The next morning, we were up at 330 and on the road by 5. No, we didn't plan the 330 part, we just happened to both be awake and said screw it. Even after having trouble finding food on Christmas day at 5 am, and then having to pull over so I could find a dark alley to pee in, we made it to Flagstaff in just under 4 hours. This made the early hour well worth it. There was almost no traffic, and no one tried to kill us on I-17, like they usually do. We got to have a slightly white Christmas. The snow had been there a few days, but was still pretty. I didn't get to enjoy it like I did on Thanksgiving, because my back was hurting so badly. The reprieve from the desert weather was a blessing though.
We had a nice relaxing weekend. We gave and received some great gifts.

This shirt from India was Kyle's favorite, I think. Go Ian!!

Now I need to get busy and make the other part to this dress.

It's all about the nipple shields!

On Sunday and Monday, we sat on our butts and did crafts. Kyle made necklaces and bracelets out of hemp and stone beads, Pam knitted us some hats, as pictured here on my sister in law Katie, and I worked on cross stitch.

I think the craft days were just the medicine that Kyle and I needed. It was relaxing, we were able to hang out and talk and listen to music we enjoyed. Life is good.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


I kind of find this funny, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately. My best friend, Tamra have often discussed our life's plans, marriage, kids, etc. I find it funny that while she always wanted 3 and I wanted 2, that seems to have changed. I never thought I would like being pregnant, and well, frankly, it kind of makes me wish I were Mormon. I can't get enough of this, and it's going to be over in a couple of short months. If my second child were a girl, I would probably be content with 2, but if it's a boy, well, that just gives me the excuse to be pregnant again :). I love being free from the rough conditions that have made so many of my friends miserable during their pregnancies. I'm free from preeclampsia, even in the midst of all that stress last week, my blood pressure was only 112/70. I don't have gestational diabetes; 2 cups of coffee with sugar, and a bunch of Hall's cough drops in addition to that ever-tasty Glucola only shot my blood sugar up to 115...which was higher than I would've liked, but I stopped for the test as an afterthought. Even at 30, I want to do this at least once more. Possibly twice. I love the thought of being pregnant again.

Finally over

Oh, thank God. One of the worst clinical rotations I had is finally over. I will have to go back for a makeup day...Didn't want to kill a patient in the midst of all that went on last week, but for the most part, it's done. I have to say, taking care of old people really does nothing for me. I would be more of the type to go volunteer to sit with them and talk, but for some reason, I don't find this type of nursing appealing. I want to be with people at the beginning of life. When they come out with that blank slate. I like the thought that I could be on the receiving end of someone that could cure cancer, or become a star quarterback. No, most of them won't be the type, but hey, you never know. There is so much hope in the eyes of an infant. So much they could learn and do. I want to be there to welcome them into the world, not usher people out of it. Don't get me wrong, I have a great respect for nurses on the other end of the spectrum. I just think I'd rather be there at the beginning than at the end.

Sunday, December 12, 2010


He's definitely back to himself!

Day 2

Today is good. It's our second full day of being home together. Friday was so clustered with stuff to do, I don't really count it. Except for dinner. Dinner was marvelous! Not just the food, but the company. We took a few steps forward today. Not much was mentioned about paranoid thoughts until just a little bit ago. We were sitting outside, and he mentioned them, so I listened. He still has a lot of paranoia surrounding the actual hospitalization, most of it to do with why things were done a certain way. Having been over there as a nursing student, I was able to alleviate many of his fears today when he talked about them. I think he actually believed me. Most of my explanations were met with an "Oh!" Like he was finally seeing things clearly for the first time. He's acting more like himself, which allows me to be myself around him. Our senses of humor are beginning to come back out. Even with regards to stuff that has happened over the last week. He's only taken half an Ativan today. He didn't want to take a whole one because he wanted to focus on school. I was ok with that, but I suggested half. This way he wouldn't get as groggy, but could focus. Luckily the pills are scored and easy to break.

We went to breakfast with my parents this morning. The morning was a little rough because I was woken up at 3:40 by gunfire. Scared the living shit out of me. My windows on the house were opened, and it sounded really close. I will at some point be getting a gun safe, and will have something in the house to protect myself with.

Saturday, December 11, 2010


Kyle came home last night. He left the hospital at 1, then we had a bunch of errands to do. We decided to go have a belated anniversary dinner while we waited for prescriptions. We had a lot of fun, and it was *almost* like the two of us normally are. We both made the comment that we shouldn't be allowed in nice restaurants. We came home and enjoyed ourselves *very* much. Then we hung out and played with the new wii for a while till we were both retardedly tired and ready for bed. He seemed to sleep really good. I didn't as much, because last weekend when things were at their worst, the nights were the worst. I slept really light and felt every twitch. I did sleep though. This morning had a rough start. He woke up to his phone beeping that his oral final in Spanish was due. I redirected him to his Ativan before he got over excited. I know the stuff works quick, but I'd rather get a jump on things than let them get out of hand. Not sure if the lithium has a baseline in his system yet. It seems to, we'll see. The Risperdol is the only one I can see working. He had a minor setback when he first switched from the zyprexa to it, but I see it still working. I'm glad to have him home, and hopefully he will be himself here very soon.

Thursday, December 9, 2010


This song embodies how I feel about bipolar disorder sneaking into my life like this. The timing is insanely bad, things were going so well. They still are, but I want my husband back to share in that with me.

Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepard meet shepard
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


Last night Kyle's mom and I went to see him. She hadn't seen him yet and was in complete shock. I had, I knew he was doing better. He didn't accuse me of anything,didn't allude to never seeing me again. He still was crying, although that stopped when we all sat and talked.

He had freaked out on the phone with his dad, somehow thinking that we wouldn't go and see him last night. He reassured him that we were in the parking lot.Once we were there, he calmed down greatly. Apparently he had been given the Zyprexa again, but I didn't see the transition that I had seen the first night.

I did see more, although slight improvement though, and that gives me hope and strength. Those two emotions are going to get me through the next bit of time, that and the strong support system that we have. We are going to try to set up a care conference today. I think that the staff could gain a lot of insight from us.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Can't seem to stop writing.

As no one is with me right now, this is my only outlet. I should be studying but my mind is so out of focus. I have to rely on the fact that this class is review and that I know the material. I just hope I can focus for long enough to read the questions and give the answers. I have severe ADD right now, and why shouldn't I? Life has just hit me with one of the hardest trials I have faced so far. I know it will not be of short duration, either. Having watched my best friend go through it, I know I have an idea of what will happen. I'm hoping he is being admitted to the hospital right now, if not now, then very soon. Last night they did not have a bed available for him. Having done my nursing school clinicals there, I know they will help him. My mother in law will be here soon. Hopefully in the next hour to hour and a half. I have not heard from her yet today, but her plan was to leave very early. I am hopeful, yet worried; I am strong, yet severely shaken. I can only have faith that this will pass, and in a positive way. My mind does not want to focus on the positive, but I have to hope.

My Animals

This is interesting. I seem to not be the only one lost without Kyle. The pets are taking on interesting roles without him here. They are not oblivious to the fact that something is wrong, not just that he isn't here, but that something is seriously wrong.

Reba: Seems seriously depressed, she hasn't moved from that spot on the couch in a while. She's usually the most active in the house.

Pepper: Seems to be the "fixer." She is going around giving hugs and kisses. Not just to me, but to Reba as well. She came up to me this morning, put both of her paws on my shoulder, and buried her head in my chest. It was just what I needed.

Butters: Is completely lost. It seems obvious that my normally rambunctious kitty doesn't know what to do with himself. He even tried climbing up the sleeve of my snuggie, which is way to small for him to fit into. If I stop petting him, he attacks my hand. Now he is meowing for more attention, either from me or from the dogs.

Hard day

Ugh, yesterday sucked. What should have been a happy fun day was not. It was my one year anniversary. I spent it in a hospital.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I did. Hopefully my husband can get the help he needs for a problem he doesn't want to admit he has. Hell, I didn't want to admit it. He's never acted this way in the three years that I've known him. I'm hoping that he starts talking to the doctors soon. I had him convinced to last night. The paranoia that is haunting him is downright scary. He has accused me of everything from being a cop to faking this pregnancy. He almost got us killed in a car accident.

I am pretty convinced that he's in a manic phase of bipolar disorder. Only time, and doctors will tell. I wish I had seen it for what it was earlier, maybe it wouldn't have taken such drastic measures, but I didn't know. I am very lucky. He knew something was wrong, and he knew he needed to go to the hospital. He went willingly, although by the time we went, he could barely move under his own power. He acted as though he were in physical pain. I had to leave him there. That was, by far, the hardest thing I've ever done. I left in tears and headed to my parents' house. I wasn't ready to come home yet. From there, I spoke with the psych nurse several times. Kyle wouldn't talk to anyone, she told him that he was the worst case they had seen in a while. He was lying on a bed crying, nothing he said was discernible. She thought it would be wise for me to go ahead and fill out a petition, just in case he tried to leave. I agreed. There was no way I thought he should be anywhere but where he was.

I drove back to fill out the paperwork, and the psych nurse surprised me. She told me that if I was ok with it, I should talk to Kyle, and I should try to talk him into being cooperative and accepting treatment. Of course I was agreeable. I want to see my husband get better. I went in to see him, he saw me and started sobbing. We got him into a small private room, and all he would say is, "I want to go home." I told him he couldn't, that I thought he was going to hurt himself. We talked for a while and I was able to get him to stop crying. The nurse came in and asked him if he wanted treatment. He consented, and I sighed relief. The other nurse came in a few minutes later and offered him Zyprexa for the psychotic effects he was having. About 20 minutes later, I saw my husband for the first time in 5 days. We had a good conversation. I was even able to make him smile. I thought it was going to be hard to leave him again, and I dreaded it from the start. The Zyprexa made him very sleepy though, and I asked him if he was ready for bed. He was. I walked him over to the bed and tucked him in, kissed him goodnight and left.

This next few days is going to be hard. Luckily we have a great support system. My mom stayed with me last night, his mom will be here tonight. This is a long, rough road, but we are a strong couple, and I know we will get through it. As I told Kyle last night, it's a big bump, but we need to get in the truck and run it the fuck over.