Can't seem to stop writing.

As no one is with me right now, this is my only outlet. I should be studying but my mind is so out of focus. I have to rely on the fact that this class is review and that I know the material. I just hope I can focus for long enough to read the questions and give the answers. I have severe ADD right now, and why shouldn't I? Life has just hit me with one of the hardest trials I have faced so far. I know it will not be of short duration, either. Having watched my best friend go through it, I know I have an idea of what will happen. I'm hoping he is being admitted to the hospital right now, if not now, then very soon. Last night they did not have a bed available for him. Having done my nursing school clinicals there, I know they will help him. My mother in law will be here soon. Hopefully in the next hour to hour and a half. I have not heard from her yet today, but her plan was to leave very early. I am hopeful, yet worried; I am strong, yet severely shaken. I can only have faith that this will pass, and in a positive way. My mind does not want to focus on the positive, but I have to hope.

My Animals

This is interesting. I seem to not be the only one lost without Kyle. The pets are taking on interesting roles without him here. They are not oblivious to the fact that something is wrong, not just that he isn't here, but that something is seriously wrong.

Reba: Seems seriously depressed, she hasn't moved from that spot on the couch in a while. She's usually the most active in the house.

Pepper: Seems to be the "fixer." She is going around giving hugs and kisses. Not just to me, but to Reba as well. She came up to me this morning, put both of her paws on my shoulder, and buried her head in my chest. It was just what I needed.

Butters: Is completely lost. It seems obvious that my normally rambunctious kitty doesn't know what to do with himself. He even tried climbing up the sleeve of my snuggie, which is way to small for him to fit into. If I stop petting him, he attacks my hand. Now he is meowing for more attention, either from me or from the dogs.

Hard day

Ugh, yesterday sucked. What should have been a happy fun day was not. It was my one year anniversary. I spent it in a hospital.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I did. Hopefully my husband can get the help he needs for a problem he doesn't want to admit he has. Hell, I didn't want to admit it. He's never acted this way in the three years that I've known him. I'm hoping that he starts talking to the doctors soon. I had him convinced to last night. The paranoia that is haunting him is downright scary. He has accused me of everything from being a cop to faking this pregnancy. He almost got us killed in a car accident.

I am pretty convinced that he's in a manic phase of bipolar disorder. Only time, and doctors will tell. I wish I had seen it for what it was earlier, maybe it wouldn't have taken such drastic measures, but I didn't know. I am very lucky. He knew something was wrong, and he knew he needed to go to the hospital. He went willingly, although by the time we went, he could barely move under his own power. He acted as though he were in physical pain. I had to leave him there. That was, by far, the hardest thing I've ever done. I left in tears and headed to my parents' house. I wasn't ready to come home yet. From there, I spoke with the psych nurse several times. Kyle wouldn't talk to anyone, she told him that he was the worst case they had seen in a while. He was lying on a bed crying, nothing he said was discernible. She thought it would be wise for me to go ahead and fill out a petition, just in case he tried to leave. I agreed. There was no way I thought he should be anywhere but where he was.

I drove back to fill out the paperwork, and the psych nurse surprised me. She told me that if I was ok with it, I should talk to Kyle, and I should try to talk him into being cooperative and accepting treatment. Of course I was agreeable. I want to see my husband get better. I went in to see him, he saw me and started sobbing. We got him into a small private room, and all he would say is, "I want to go home." I told him he couldn't, that I thought he was going to hurt himself. We talked for a while and I was able to get him to stop crying. The nurse came in and asked him if he wanted treatment. He consented, and I sighed relief. The other nurse came in a few minutes later and offered him Zyprexa for the psychotic effects he was having. About 20 minutes later, I saw my husband for the first time in 5 days. We had a good conversation. I was even able to make him smile. I thought it was going to be hard to leave him again, and I dreaded it from the start. The Zyprexa made him very sleepy though, and I asked him if he was ready for bed. He was. I walked him over to the bed and tucked him in, kissed him goodnight and left.

This next few days is going to be hard. Luckily we have a great support system. My mom stayed with me last night, his mom will be here tonight. This is a long, rough road, but we are a strong couple, and I know we will get through it. As I told Kyle last night, it's a big bump, but we need to get in the truck and run it the fuck over.