Yep

He's definitely back to himself!

Day 2

Today is good. It's our second full day of being home together. Friday was so clustered with stuff to do, I don't really count it. Except for dinner. Dinner was marvelous! Not just the food, but the company. We took a few steps forward today. Not much was mentioned about paranoid thoughts until just a little bit ago. We were sitting outside, and he mentioned them, so I listened. He still has a lot of paranoia surrounding the actual hospitalization, most of it to do with why things were done a certain way. Having been over there as a nursing student, I was able to alleviate many of his fears today when he talked about them. I think he actually believed me. Most of my explanations were met with an "Oh!" Like he was finally seeing things clearly for the first time. He's acting more like himself, which allows me to be myself around him. Our senses of humor are beginning to come back out. Even with regards to stuff that has happened over the last week. He's only taken half an Ativan today. He didn't want to take a whole one because he wanted to focus on school. I was ok with that, but I suggested half. This way he wouldn't get as groggy, but could focus. Luckily the pills are scored and easy to break.

We went to breakfast with my parents this morning. The morning was a little rough because I was woken up at 3:40 by gunfire. Scared the living shit out of me. My windows on the house were opened, and it sounded really close. I will at some point be getting a gun safe, and will have something in the house to protect myself with.

Homecoming

Kyle came home last night. He left the hospital at 1, then we had a bunch of errands to do. We decided to go have a belated anniversary dinner while we waited for prescriptions. We had a lot of fun, and it was *almost* like the two of us normally are. We both made the comment that we shouldn't be allowed in nice restaurants. We came home and enjoyed ourselves *very* much. Then we hung out and played with the new wii for a while till we were both retardedly tired and ready for bed. He seemed to sleep really good. I didn't as much, because last weekend when things were at their worst, the nights were the worst. I slept really light and felt every twitch. I did sleep though. This morning had a rough start. He woke up to his phone beeping that his oral final in Spanish was due. I redirected him to his Ativan before he got over excited. I know the stuff works quick, but I'd rather get a jump on things than let them get out of hand. Not sure if the lithium has a baseline in his system yet. It seems to, we'll see. The Risperdol is the only one I can see working. He had a minor setback when he first switched from the zyprexa to it, but I see it still working. I'm glad to have him home, and hopefully he will be himself here very soon.

Uninvited

This song embodies how I feel about bipolar disorder sneaking into my life like this. The timing is insanely bad, things were going so well. They still are, but I want my husband back to share in that with me.

Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight


Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepard meet shepard
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight


Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight


I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate

Today

Last night Kyle's mom and I went to see him. She hadn't seen him yet and was in complete shock. I had, I knew he was doing better. He didn't accuse me of anything,didn't allude to never seeing me again. He still was crying, although that stopped when we all sat and talked.

He had freaked out on the phone with his dad, somehow thinking that we wouldn't go and see him last night. He reassured him that we were in the parking lot.Once we were there, he calmed down greatly. Apparently he had been given the Zyprexa again, but I didn't see the transition that I had seen the first night.

I did see more, although slight improvement though, and that gives me hope and strength. Those two emotions are going to get me through the next bit of time, that and the strong support system that we have. We are going to try to set up a care conference today. I think that the staff could gain a lot of insight from us.

Can't seem to stop writing.

As no one is with me right now, this is my only outlet. I should be studying but my mind is so out of focus. I have to rely on the fact that this class is review and that I know the material. I just hope I can focus for long enough to read the questions and give the answers. I have severe ADD right now, and why shouldn't I? Life has just hit me with one of the hardest trials I have faced so far. I know it will not be of short duration, either. Having watched my best friend go through it, I know I have an idea of what will happen. I'm hoping he is being admitted to the hospital right now, if not now, then very soon. Last night they did not have a bed available for him. Having done my nursing school clinicals there, I know they will help him. My mother in law will be here soon. Hopefully in the next hour to hour and a half. I have not heard from her yet today, but her plan was to leave very early. I am hopeful, yet worried; I am strong, yet severely shaken. I can only have faith that this will pass, and in a positive way. My mind does not want to focus on the positive, but I have to hope.

My Animals

This is interesting. I seem to not be the only one lost without Kyle. The pets are taking on interesting roles without him here. They are not oblivious to the fact that something is wrong, not just that he isn't here, but that something is seriously wrong.

Reba: Seems seriously depressed, she hasn't moved from that spot on the couch in a while. She's usually the most active in the house.

Pepper: Seems to be the "fixer." She is going around giving hugs and kisses. Not just to me, but to Reba as well. She came up to me this morning, put both of her paws on my shoulder, and buried her head in my chest. It was just what I needed.

Butters: Is completely lost. It seems obvious that my normally rambunctious kitty doesn't know what to do with himself. He even tried climbing up the sleeve of my snuggie, which is way to small for him to fit into. If I stop petting him, he attacks my hand. Now he is meowing for more attention, either from me or from the dogs.