Sunday, April 22, 2012

It's been a while

it's been a while since I've been here.  I feel like time is passing me by like a whirlwind, and there isn't anything I can do to stop it.  I've been very emotional over the past couple of weeks.  We have so many plans for the next year that it is hard to stomach them all.

My IUD is coming out May 24th.  We want to have our kids close together, so that is the day.  It should put them right around 2 years apart.  For some reason tonight, I can't stop flashing back to pregnancy, those first days home with Rowan, and everything that happened with them.  I can't help but wonder what went wrong.  I feel like I'm stuck sitting back watching my, and his, lives go by.  I'm constantly tired, I'm on a list waiting to be on day shift, but I don't know how long it will be.  A small hospital with a low turnover rate, and I feel stuck.   I feel like something snapped between pregnancy and having Rowan, and something did.  I set myself up for PPD, and had to fight tooth and nail to keep my head above the water in both school and motherhood.  I don't want that to happen again.  I want to be able to take my 6 weeks off without having to worry about finding a job, foreclosing on that shitty little house, and moving with a 3 month old, which was the ultimate off switch to my not so functional breasts.  What will I do differently?  Honestly, I don't think much.  I want to go natural again, although there is a part of me that would like the epidural.  I liked being up right away, and I still never want a catheter.  No thanks, not for me.  The other question is that of breastfeeding.  Do I want to try that road again?  It was hard.  I didn't produce enough.  I ended up in the hospital with a jaundiced, dehydrated baby.  No one helped me.  Not until I was in that hospital did I finally meet a lactation consultant who was willing to give me some advice.  I thought birth centers were supposed to be all granola with that shit.  I had no help.  I do think I want to try again.  I need to get over my aversion to breastfeeding and pumping in public.  Either that or never see the light of day.  I will also go over to the hospital to take some breastfeeding classes.  I know that the breastfeeding issue started me on the slippery slope that was PPD/PPA.  I'm starting to think that with #2, it might be a good idea to keep the bassinet in our room for a while...For my sanity, but we'll see.  I'm having a lot of fears and flashbacks right now, and I'm not even pregnant yet.  Hopefully it will be as quick and easy as last time, but hopefully this time it's just a tidbit easier.

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