Winds of Change

It's been a while.  Through seas of depression, and school and work, I haven't had time to visit this little place in some time.  I have missed it.  I think that I am finally in a place where I can come here again and be honest.  There is much change happening in my life.

First, I am getting divorced.  Yes, there I've said it.  I still can't say my husband's name without getting nauseous or making a face.  He cheated.  Over a year ago.  I found out in September and still tried to make it work.  I really meant it when I said my vows.  Well, mistrust won out, and here I sit.  I moved out in early March.  In with my parents, then out again at the end of the month.  As a nurse, at least I can afford my own place, even if it's a bit excessive :).

The cheating wasn't the only thing.  He demanded that I do all of the housework.  He always had some reason that he couldn't help.  School was too demanding, and then work.  I had thought things would change when we were out of school.  how wrong I was.

and yet this is all ok.  I am glad I went through it, as it was a very humbling experience.  I have my Rowan, whom I wouldn't trade for the world.  I have a new appreciation for life now.  I feel like before, I was very superficial, very shallow.  Now I know that the shallow life is not a good way to live.  I want love in my life again, and should it be, more children.

In the last few weeks, I have connected with someone in a way that I didn't know was possible.  Yes, over the past four years, we have always had a connection.  Yes, I would see pictures of him and wonder why I couldn't have someone like him in my life, or why Kyle couldn't be more like him.  Well, Kyle has been removed from my life, luckily at a time when James and I can be together.  There is no more wondering, no more "what if" it just is. Now that I have let him in, I've fallen in love quickly and easily, the way things should be.

Life is moving forward.  There is no looking back.

Cleansing

In preparation for Dos, I have made a decision.  I want to cleanse my body of the toxins that have built up in it.  I know it's full of them, I haven't exactly been eating the healthiest lately.  I even had fast food *bows head in shame* last week.  It was an act of sheer desperation.  I needed to be rid of the headache I had, and I thought it was a lack of food and caffeine causing it.  I still don't know what it was, I haven't been in that much pain since I was pregnant with Rowan.  The past few days, I've been thinking that I need to get all of the crap out of my life.  I haven't been doing a lot of caffeine.  Usually my first night at work is the worst, and then I may or may not drink it the rest of the week.  My sleep schedule is lacking.    My food intake is horrible.  Working nights has done much to destroy my appetite.  When I do eat, it's garbage, usually saltines or graham crackers.  Then I come home, eat a bowl of cereal and go to bed.  This has to stop.  I've known about the Beachbody Ultimate Reset since around December.  It only recently became available.  I didn't really think about doing the Reset until we started talking about Dos, and me getting pregnant this summer.

We are going to Seattle this week, which means that my eating will become worse, at least for dinner.  We'll be packing breakfast and lunch out of our hotel room to save time and money.  Good thing that Ft. Lewis is close to our hotel.  Should be fun to see my old stomping ground!  My goal is to return from Seattle, and participate in the challenge group that my coach, Heather, is setting up for the reset.  This will put me finishing the Reset on June 6th, one week before our official first try.  Perfect timing, I say.

I've recently become a Beachbody Coach, so if you want more information on the Cleanse, or any of the workout programs, you can find me here

It's been a while

it's been a while since I've been here.  I feel like time is passing me by like a whirlwind, and there isn't anything I can do to stop it.  I've been very emotional over the past couple of weeks.  We have so many plans for the next year that it is hard to stomach them all.

My IUD is coming out May 24th.  We want to have our kids close together, so that is the day.  It should put them right around 2 years apart.  For some reason tonight, I can't stop flashing back to pregnancy, those first days home with Rowan, and everything that happened with them.  I can't help but wonder what went wrong.  I feel like I'm stuck sitting back watching my, and his, lives go by.  I'm constantly tired, I'm on a list waiting to be on day shift, but I don't know how long it will be.  A small hospital with a low turnover rate, and I feel stuck.   I feel like something snapped between pregnancy and having Rowan, and something did.  I set myself up for PPD, and had to fight tooth and nail to keep my head above the water in both school and motherhood.  I don't want that to happen again.  I want to be able to take my 6 weeks off without having to worry about finding a job, foreclosing on that shitty little house, and moving with a 3 month old, which was the ultimate off switch to my not so functional breasts.  What will I do differently?  Honestly, I don't think much.  I want to go natural again, although there is a part of me that would like the epidural.  I liked being up right away, and I still never want a catheter.  No thanks, not for me.  The other question is that of breastfeeding.  Do I want to try that road again?  It was hard.  I didn't produce enough.  I ended up in the hospital with a jaundiced, dehydrated baby.  No one helped me.  Not until I was in that hospital did I finally meet a lactation consultant who was willing to give me some advice.  I thought birth centers were supposed to be all granola with that shit.  I had no help.  I do think I want to try again.  I need to get over my aversion to breastfeeding and pumping in public.  Either that or never see the light of day.  I will also go over to the hospital to take some breastfeeding classes.  I know that the breastfeeding issue started me on the slippery slope that was PPD/PPA.  I'm starting to think that with #2, it might be a good idea to keep the bassinet in our room for a while...For my sanity, but we'll see.  I'm having a lot of fears and flashbacks right now, and I'm not even pregnant yet.  Hopefully it will be as quick and easy as last time, but hopefully this time it's just a tidbit easier.

Walking

Well, apparently my little buddy has to stay ahead of the power curve.  This weekend, he really got a handle on walking, and now he does it all of the time.  It's pretty cute to watch.  He just amazes me more and more every day.  I love what he has brought to my life.

9 months

I can't believe it has been that long. My little peanut is so big now. A lot has happened since my last post. I finished nursing school, passed my licensure, and finally started working in October. Life has not slowed down one bit. I am enrolled in my bachelor's degree program, and have knocked out two classes with a 4.0. I just can't believe so much time has passed since this:
 On the way to my follow up appointment
 Here are some photo moments of the last 9 months.Puppy love


 Touchdown! First immersed bath, in a towel that doesn't fit anymore!
 Me and my cuddle buddy
 Holding his head up to look at me
 I miss this face!
 Meeting a puppy for the first time, they are the same age
 Tummy time!
 My happy, outdoor, morning baby!
 Drool monkey on our first Flagstaff trip:
 I really wonder what he was thinking
 More puppy love!
 Itty bitty puppy love!
 First plane trip!
 First watermelon, which led to first infant heimlich Juggling suitcases and baby got to be too much.
 He loves him some water
I love this smile
 My boys in the lake
 Happy after-bath spikey-head
His reaction to refried beans was priceless
Love puppy attack!
 "Will ya let me in already?!"
 Peek a boo, Mommy can't move!
 First time in a swing
 I can't catch the cat!
Daddy enjoys messing with me. He didn't want me bumping my head.
 First Halloween
 Best buds
 Hasn't figured out how to get out of the box And finally, the dancing baby

Oh, how the time flies!

I can't believe my little guy is 5 months old. It seems like just yesterday my water broke. That little 7 lb 4 oz baby has doubled his birth weight. He is figuring out his toys. He just loves his jumperoo. He hasn't wanted to stay on his back in almost a month. If you put him down on his back, he rolls over in less than 5 seconds. This kid is growin! He's very interested in his environment and learning to interact with it.


Oh yes, and this kid loves to eat!

There are no words....